Already Gone
by tankygirl
Summary: Serena wants him to be happy, but she can't be happy for him in New York.
1. Chapter 1

_You know that I love you so,_

_I love you enough to let you go._

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><p>Though she's never been superstitious, when she loses Dan and Cece in the space of a week Serena starts wondering when the other shoe will drop.<p>

They say bad things happen in threes.

Lily is a little like she was when Bart died and a little like she was when they got married; fluctuating between queer indifference and unbearable micromanaging. That said, Serena can hear her crying to Rufus at night. Her father is there and as a result Rufus is scrabbling to assert some primitive male dominance, but for the first time since he left when she was four Serena couldn't care less about William Van der Woodsen.

Sitting at her grandmother's funeral, surrounded by every person she ever met growing up and her entire extended family, there's so much sympathy she's drowning in it. Serena stands at the wake next to Chuck, who is solid and stoic in the midst of her emotional chaos, and when she sees Blair shoot Dan a gentle look from across the room, her chest hurts.

She's never felt more alone.

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><p>Its three weeks later, while she's still warily awaiting that third blow, that Serena receives a phone call from an extremely enthusiastic gentleman on behalf of Vogue. She listens with vague disinterest, wandering aimlessly through the Waldorf penthouse she's been staying at sparingly since Valentines Day.<p>

He mentions something about a Chanel deal and something about Los Angeles, and Serena's prepared to rebuff him- New York is her home, Lily is here, and Chuck and Blair and Dan. The man pauses in his ranting, and Serena opens her mouth to say no when she spies a sweater hanging off the edge of the couch, and the familiar ache of heartbreak chokes off her declination. It's a faded blue, but she knows it was navy when she'd first brought it for_ him_ in junior year.

Lily is here, and Chuck and _Blair and Dan._

Serena asks how soon they want her in L.A.

* * *

><p>Her mother is proud first and foremost, and though Serena offers to stay if she needs her, Lily waves her off and instead embraces her tightly. It's an opportunity of a lifetime, and she thinks it would be good for her daughter to get out of the city for a while. Her daughter agrees.<p>

Chuck's eyes are warm and supportive, though his smirk is knowing and when he hands her a drink in celebration he gives her a meaningful look, '_good for you'_. Serena has spent a long time reading between her brother's careful words, and she knows he's taking more about escaping _them _than the job. She smiles, hoping he can find a way to do the same.

The reaction she receives from Blair is awkward, to say the least. She smiles in a way she doesn't mean and asks Serena how long she's going away for. Serena shrugs and hopes Blair, for once, accepts it and backs down. '_I'll miss you,' _she says, brown eyes sincere, and it's all Serena can do not to cry or yell or both. Instead, she nods, _"Yeah, me too…'_

She wishes she meant it more.

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><p>Packing has never been something she's good at, and she stands in her room at the penthouse, surrounded by her clothes wishing she was sixteen again and could just take off without forethought. But this is different, this isn't a trip to Greece or a weekend in Dubai. This time, Serena isn't sure she's coming back.<p>

Blair has gone somewhere (she doesn't really want to know where), and when she starts on the draws at her bedside table the first thing she pulls out is a five by seven frame. There's a girl in a gold dress and a boy with a matching vest, and they're kissing on the dance floor. Serena feels hurt bubbling up inside her as she looks at them, so young, so happy, so _gone._

Serena throws it on the bed, pulling tights and stockings from the draw when there's a slight knock at her door. She turns with a handful of clothes, bracing herself for Blair.

It's the boy from the photo, sans the vest. Serena's throat dries and her heart constricts in her chest. _Go away._

They haven't really spoken since Valentine's Day, and certainly haven't been alone since. Dan's standing uncomfortably in the doorway, his brown eyes perusing the mountain of stuff strewn across her bed before looking at her face. Serena's still and neither of them are sure what to do with this awkward, foreign chasm that stretches between them.

Dan shifts, hands in his pockets, "Hey."

"…hey." Serena wants to strangle the soft sadness in her voice, but he's standing there looking like he doesn't belong, and it reminds her in excruciating detail of all the time he was her boyfriend. He gestures at the bed,

"So I guess it's true."

Serena throws the clothes in her hand into the suitcase, taking an imperceptible step away from him, _don't come closer._

"Yeah, it is."

Dan nods slightly, and she recognises the look on his face. There's a firm set to his jaw, lips pursed and brows slightly knitted above eyes that reflect his confliction. Serena looks at the floor, the bed, the wall, anywhere but at him, and her gaze falls on the picture sitting on her comforter. It's face-up, and it rends at her failing strength to see it again while he's here, so close and so fucking far away.

She wonders if this is that third thing she's been worried about.

Dan sighs, mouth open for a moment silently as he grapples with the words, "Why?"

_Why?_

It's a soft sound, its kind and a little despairing, and Serena feels the all too familiar sensation of tears betraying her, "Why not?"

Dan can tell she's upset, and he wants to comfort her, but she's withdrawn further and further since he walked in. Serena's handling a shirt, folding it over and over in her hands, and he wishes she'd look at him.

When Nate told him about Serena leaving it brought forth a storm of emotions; anger, guilt, sadness, and he thinks maybe he shouldn't be feeling these things for her. He loves Blair, but their relationship is at a standstill as she's wrapped up in escaping Louis, and he doesn't pretend to understand her connection with Chuck that she is extremely reluctant to release.

Dan's so certain of his feelings for Blair that he's blindsided when the first instinct he has when he hears Serena's leaving is to beg her to stay.

"Why…Serena, your whole life is here, you can't just leave." He's treading on _very_ thin ice, because he so badly wants her to stay but is in no position to ask.

_You can't stop me._ Serena aches, and him being here is only wounding her further because not only is he someone else's, he's Blair's. "I don't have any reason to stay."

"That's not a reason to go!" Dan knows he's getting heated, but he's a direct person and dancing around what he wants to say is frustrating him. Serena sighs; she's hurt and tired and sick of being sad and just wants to leave this city and everyone in it.

"I'm going, Dan, I have nothing keeping me here."

She zips a bag shut, walking around the bed. He _can't_ tell her not to go, he has no right, but he cannot imagine New York, his life, without her, and he grasps her by the hand as she passes close.

Serena stops abruptly, the familiar sensation of his hands in hers inspiring a fluttering in her chest she's missed; immediately afterwards it serves to do nothing but make her realise how _much_ she loves him, how _much_ she's lost to Blair, and she tugs gently as she whispers brokenly, "Let go."

"Stay," Dan leans to look at her face, which is a cataclysm of pain and bitterness, and he feels guilt rise in his throat, _you cannot ask her this,_ "Please, please stay?"

Serena feels a single tear roll down her cheek, but an indignant anger kindles within her, and she looks at him, brown eyes open and pleading.

"Do you love Blair?" The set of his brow falters, and she doesn't need an answer. Dan swallows, "Serena-"

"You do. You love Blair, and that means that you don't get to ask me to stay!" She can feel more tears rolling unbidden down her cheeks, but she's too angry to care. Dan knows she's right about Blair, but still he frowns,

"Is that what this is? An ultimatum? I'm with you or you leave?"

Serena balks, choking back a sob and feeling her hurt and anger yearn to break free and tear into him. She looks away again, composing herself a moment and sees that fucking picture of them at Cotillion, still sitting on the bed.

Serena loved him then, and she loves him now; she loves him more than anything else in her world. Irrespective of what she tells Blair, it _matters_ that she still loves him, it _matters_ that Blair is her best friend; somehow, his happiness matters _more_. And what makes him happy right now is Blair. Her anger slips through her fingers, and she just feels empty, lonely.

"It isn't about me. You love her, Dan, and that's…..that's okay," She hopes it's the hardest thing she ever has to say, because the words practically strangle her on the way out, "But I can't be happy for you. I can say it, but I can't feel it." Serena's blue eyes gaze softly into his, and Dan really feels _something_ for her in that moment, something scary. "I want you to be happy, but I can't be here, in this city, and be happy for you. Don't ask me to."

Dan just stares at her for a minute, and it's like he's seeing her at the Ivy Week mixer all over again. It's the most selfless thing a girl has ever done for him, that _anyone _has ever done for him, and suddenly she's so much more than what he thought she was. He knew it in high school, he knew it last year; somewhere in the last twelve months, he lost that. Looking at her, broken and weary, he realises he's lost more than that.

Serena tugs at his hand again, whispering with a finality that transcends her words, "Let go, Dan."

He keeps his grip on hers a moment more, and allows her to slip free from him. As she turns her back to him, Dan feels that same scary feeling in his chest, only this time it's tinged with heartache. Dan loves Blair. But when he turns to leave and sees a photo sitting on the bed, a gold dress and a sweeping kiss, a warm, familiar sensation swells within him.

He loves Serena too.

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><p>AN: I was light of describing the Diar relationship not out of spite, but out of not being able to to them justice. Song lyrics and title belong to Kelly Clarkson. Please review :)


	2. Chapter 2

Heaps of thanks to the people reviewing, you guys rock :)

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><p>Los Angeles feels like New York's golden twin; there's people everywhere and skyscrapers still form the horizon line, but there's something light and bright and free about L.A. Serena liked it here at the start of the summer as well, but somehow this time it just seems more….more. The moment she steps off the plane a burden lifts from her chest. She'd like to believe it's the Californian sunshine, but truthfully, it's because they aren't here.<p>

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><p>The euphoria of being free of the oppressive atmosphere that dogged her in New York wanes steadily, much to her despair. For the first week or so Serena is busy with meetings and initial fittings and doesn't get time to think and Dan and Blair or DanandBlair; the only contact she has is a brief phonecall with Lily and, despite herself, regular text messages to Chuck.<p>

But one night as she's walking back to her hotel room, she sees a head of dark curly hair wearing a flannel button down, and her heart leaps into her throat before she can crush the feeling; she knows it isn't Dan. Sadly, Serena is an emotive creature, and though consciously she never thinks it's him, her stomach drops and a cruel coldness seeps into her when the man's face is too wide and his eyes are green.

She makes it to the door of her room before she starts crying.

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><p>Chuck never mentions them, and Lily seems to know Serena doesn't want to hear about it. Her only link into the world of Blair and Dan, the world she ran from, is Gossip Girl. She hesitates a little, thumb hovering over the block button. If she does this, she's really letting them go. Blair will always be her best friend and Dan will always be…whatever he is, but she'll be letting go of <em>them<em>, letting go of them together, and it's not as simple as she wishes it was. A part of her, this masochistic, morbidly obsessed part, wants to know if they're together, and another part seethes and hopes they aren't. It's an ugly aspect of who she is, a spiteful and bitter place, but it's soothed by the peace she feels knowing _if _they are together that Dan is happy, and she helped that happen.

It hurts, but really it's the best she can ask for right now.

Chuck has always, _always_ had the most impeccable timing, and a message from him flashes onto the screen, 'Blair misses you,' and Serena's sort of pissed off at Blair for falling in love with Dan and sort of pissed off at herself for saying it was okay when it's not. She thinks of the funeral, the warm look in Blair's eyes when she saw Dan, and realises that she might have made the two most important people in her life happy, but it's cost her more than she hoped it would.

_I want you to be happy, but I can't be here, in this city, and be happy for you._

_Let go, Dan._

Let go.

She blocks Gossip Girl. Ignorance is bliss, right?

* * *

><p>It's easier to forget them than she thought it would be.<p>

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><p>Four months after being in Los Angeles, Serena runs into Carter Baizen. She should probably be surprised (what are the odds?) but he's always had that knack for showing up at the worst times. He's older and wiser, still suave and smooth and he still looks at her with a challenging light in his eyes, and she remembers that summer they were together three years ago. It hurts to think of the night he left her crying, walking away to become a better man.<p>

He greets her with a naughty smirk, "Hey beautiful," and she can't help it, she smiles back. Because she's known that mischievous look since she was fifteen, because he's simple and easy and she just wants to have fun. Because she feels as though all she does is hurt and cry, and she _just wants to have fun._

When his hand brushes hers, she pulls it away involuntarily.

_He's not Dan._

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><p>They hop from club to pub to bar over the next eleven weeks, and after a while the idea of Blair and Dan and BlairandDan is so far away she barely thinks of them anymore.<p>

She feels like maybe, _maybe_, she can be happy without them.

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><p>They drink way too much one night, and as they lay beside eachother Carter reaches over and pushes her hair behind her ear, hazy eyes looking over her face slowly.<p>

"You really are beautiful," He says gently, and she kind of wants to cry because for the first time in a long time she feels wanted. She hasn't been with anyone in almost a year, and the last man she was vulnerable with is in New York with her best friend and Carter has always made her feel beautiful, so she leans forward and presses her lips against his hesitantly. When he returns with fervour, she reaches down and slips free the buttons of his pants.

His face is inches above hers and they're wrapped up in eachother, and Carter looks at her with lustful, tipsy, appreciate eyes.

_No one's ever looked at me the way you just did._

Serena closes her eyes and buries her face against his shoulder, hoping he's too drunk to notice her tears.

* * *

><p>Chuck finds out, because somehow Chuck finds out <em>everything,<em> and calls her the night after her third runway job.

"_I don't have time to fly to Los Angeles and brow beat Carter Baizen, sis."_

Serena smiles, she has missed him, "I don't need you to, Chuck. But I appreciate the offer, as misplaced as your brotherly protectiveness is."

"_Don't fool yourself, it's the pleasure of watching Baizen squirm that appeals to me."_ She can hear the smile behind his words, and she's relieved that even though he's in New York with _them_ he's still okay. There's a pause, _"How are you?"_

Serena sighs, running a hand through her loose blonde curls, "I'm good, I'm…..it's better, here. How are you?"

"_All work and no play makes Chuck a very dull boy. I hope you're having enough sordid fun for the both of us."_

He's never been big on the range of human emotions, but it's what he's not saying that gives him away. He says nothing about Blair, and that means he has nothing to say about Blair, and that means only one thing. Serena aches a little, she's become so used to not knowing, and she feels for her brother.

"You're braver than I am. For…for staying."

He sighs sadly into the phone, voice heavy, _"You're better than I am. For leaving."_

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><p>Serena lays in bed next to Carter, watching the soft rise and fall of his chest, and thinks about how badly she wanted him to come back to her three- nearly four- years ago. He's different than he was then, more grounded and honest, but he still has that look to him, that hope that she'll be there when he wakes up in the morning. It's been seven months, and he has that look every time their eyes meet before sleep.<p>

He wants her, and she wants him, she does. She wants him because he's here and he always comes back to her. She wants him because he eases her loneliness and emptiness.

_I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will._

She wants him because she doesn't love him. It's not like love has brought her anything but pain anyway.

* * *

><p>It snows in New York on Christmas Eve, and when she sees pictures on the TV, for a moment, she hates the world and everyone in it.<p>

* * *

><p>"I love you."<p>

Serena hates those words. Nate never said them back, Lily was absent most of her childhood and her father was absent for all of it, Blair's dating Dan and Dan's the first boy who ever said it and meant it, and he's the last person she said it to. Dan's the last person she said it to; she was brave and honest and it got her nothing but pain, misery and emptiness.

She _hates_ them.

Carter looks at her with a vulnerability very uncharacteristic, and she knows if she doesn't say it back he won't be able to bring himself to stay. His eyes aren't brown and his hair's too light, and he doesn't make her feel like she's more than Serena Van der Woodsen. But he's safe.

_I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will._

Enough.

She smiles, and he smiles back, thinking the watery gleam to her eyes is a good thing. Serena kisses him, closing her eyes and for the final time pretending he is someone else. She thinks of the last time she saw Dan, fingers wrapped tightly around her wrist, brown eyes pleading, _desperate_, and the last thing she said to him.

_Let go, Dan._

Serena forces her blue eyes to look into Carter's and runs a hand through his hair.

"I love you too."

_Let go._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Huge thanks to all the reviews, you guys rock. I am not a DB fan, and as such my writing of them may be OOC or not up to scratch. I am not interested in flames over this, if you want a squishy Dair fic, this isn't it. **

**Also, every episode of GG I watch my heart breaks for Serena a little more. Please review, it makes me want to update faster :)**

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><p>Three days after Serena leaves, Nate tells him she took her pictures. Dan thinks over their last conversation, and amidst the loss and confusion and desperation to make her stay, he remembers the framed photo on the bed.<p>

"Is there some sort of significance to that?" His 'relationship' with Blair is still non existent; Dan's not sure why Blair's so flighty, but the look on Serena's face and the crack of her voice, _let go_, resonate within him every time they're alone. He's not in the mood for Nate's vague conversation today.

"It's just…doesn't it seem weird, that she's going for a few weeks and has taken all her photos with her? Why would she do that?"

Dan stops mid sip, but Nate doesn't notice.

_Why would she do that?_

* * *

><p>He's sitting with Blair in the loft four weeks later, and she's ferreting through his closet for something appropriate to wear to some Gala or another when she pulls out a wrinkled scrap of paper.<p>

"What is this?" She asks, unfolding the old snowflake cut out. Dan glances over his shoulder, heart jumping into his throat when he sees her small fingers handling one of the most beautiful nights of his life.

_Don't touch it,_

"It, uh, it was a gift."

Blair wrinkles her nose, giving him a sceptical look, "A gift? _Someone_ went to a lot of expense." Her tone is playful and sarcastic, and she drops it when she sees a shirt she likes, gliding over to him and holding it against his chest. She says something about a matching tie, but his gaze is focused on the snowflake lying vulnerable on the floor.

_Expense has nothing to do with it._

* * *

><p>Having a relationship with Blair is not what he thought it would be.<p>

They watch foreign films together, they eat take out and take walks, they kiss and hold hands and all the other things couples should do. After everything, after Chuck and Louis and the baby, the car accident and wedding, they are finally free to be together. The drama is over. It's over, and somehow everything is so much…_less_…than it was. There's no forbidden romance, no world to rebel against, it's everything he wanted.

Except it's not.

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><p>One night when they're walking past Central Park, Blair fingers laced through his, she shivers and he wraps his coat around her shoulders.<p>

"You know I read that the Ice Capades are coming around soon. Normally I wouldn't go to something so pedestrian, but Dorota wants Ana to go and was wondering if we were interested?"

He feels hands playing with the hair at the base of his skull, blue eyes twinkling with mischief, _I hear the Ice Capades are in town…_

"I had a bad experience with that when I was five, I think it's all the tulle and forced cheer, it freaks me out." Blair smirks, this begrudgingly amused little smile he loves, and he presses a kiss to her cheek before she grasps his face in both hands, nibbling on his bottom lip.

Later when he lies next to her in bed, he plays with a lock of brown hair and tries desperately to forget that when she'd mentioned the Ice Capades his first thought had been an immediate _no_.

_If you're there, I'm there._

_..._

_Fuck._

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><p>As he got to know Blair in the last year, Dan slowly came to see a side to her he never knew existed. She's strong and quick, <em>so<em> quick witted, and there's a vulnerability that gentles her. It's this person he comes to love, this woman who is so much more than the scheming, social climbing elitist girl he knew in high school. Dan believes that 'Queen B' was a phase, and the woman by his side is the real Blair.

By the time he realises he's wrong, it's too late.

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><p>They're at an event for Eleanor's clothing line when he notices it. Jack Bass is back in the city (God only knows why) and Chuck is trying to contain the hurricane of destruction that is his uncle through some scheme or another, and when the older man stalks out of the penthouse in fury Chuck wears a look of smug pleasure. Dan rolls his eyes, but when he catches sight of Blair he feels a mix of contempt and disappointment; she's sporting the same pleased look, and when she shoots Chuck a smirk Dan knows she was in on it. Her simper softens, and he sees something in Blair's eyes, something unfamiliar. Something reserved for Chuck Bass.<p>

She's never looked at him that way.

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><p>Their breakup is violent and bloody because as soon as he brings up Chuck she brings up Serena and they are both stung with the same guilt.<p>

"I thought you were more than this, more than this scheming and lying, more than these games! This social agenda, I thought you'd left that behind!"

Blair balks, and her brown eyes ice up with a look he hasn't seen since high school, the cold, disdainful glare of the Queen B, "Those things are part of who I am, Humphrey," He knows it's bad now, "Don't act like you didn't know that."

The thing is he _did_ know that. She's Blair-freaking-Waldorf, she's the girl who ran his sister out of the city for sleeping with Chuck Bass. She's the girl who walked on his social status at every opportunity in high school, the girl who undermined his very existence based on his post code. He did know this at some point, and somewhere along the line he's forgotten it.

He doesn't hate Blair, he doesn't even dislike her. But she's standing there, haughty and superior, and it dawns on him that the Blair he fell in love with is the Blair who needed him, the Blair who wanted to escape Louis and to run away from the Upper East Side, and not the Blair before him.

Her marriage is over and she's had her time to heal, and now the Blair he loved is dead.

_He loves Serena too._

The Blair he loves is gone, he loves Serena and because of him, of _them,_ she's gone.

* * *

><p>It snows in New York on Christmas Eve, and he punches a hole in the wall.<p>

God, he _misses _her.

* * *

><p>His relationship with Blair morphs back into a hesitant friendship quicker than he thought, a little too easily actually. Dan thinks on how difficult it was with Serena, how hard they had to fight to try and be friends again.<p>

_I loved you, just because we broke up doesn't mean I can turn it off like that._

Blair gives him a platonic lukewarm smile before answering a call from Chuck, that little smirk on her face. He starts to realise she never really loved him.

She loved that he loved her.

* * *

><p>Dan asks Lily how she is, and she regards him with a careful look.<p>

"You should ask her yourself."

* * *

><p>New York is nowhere near as big a city as it seems, and Chuck Bass manages to corner him one afternoon, staring at him with a measured gaze. Dan's never been good with silence, and he squirms for a few seconds before words tumble out of his mouth in a rush,<p>

"What, Chuck, what do you want? Have we regressed to High School, am I not allowed on the premises anymore?"

The man can hold an expression like no other, and Dan cannot be bothered with his games, so he turns to leave.

"She's happy."

He pauses, looking at the other man over his shoulder, "Blair? Is this you gloating over Blair? Because you can give it up, I don't want her back, she can do whatever sh-"

"This isn't about Blair." He answers in a smooth voice, hands in his pockets giving a sense of nonchalance. Dan can see the sincerity in his face, and he blinks, "Wha-"

"She loved you. She loved you and you broke her heart," Guilt makes him look down, and not just over Serena. The softness in Chuck's voice, the echo of hurt; he speaks not only from a place of brotherly love, but a place of understanding.

"Chuck, I-"

He holds up a hand, breaking Dan off. He sighs, walking a little closer, and looks honestly into Dan's eyes.

"I'm not going to tell you what to do. I've done a lot of foolish things in my life; I'm in no place to judge. But you did break her heart. Don't do it again."

He watches the slow even retreat of Chuck Bass, and his stomach bottoms out, because he broke her heart. His chest hurts because she's _happy, _and he's not sure if he wants to know what that means.

There's a queer pain in his heart, because he loves Serena, and he's not sure whether she _loves _him or _loved_ him.

* * *

><p>He flips the phone open and closed a few times, staring at the corkboard opposite him in the loft.<p>

Serena left because of he and Blair, and he had no right to ask her to stay. That's what he believed, and he sort of thought that one way or another she'd find out when they broke up and come home, but it's been six weeks, and she's still in Los Angeles.

…_doesn't it seem weird, that she's going for a few weeks and has taken all her photos with her? Why would she do that?_

Dan catches a glance of a photo of them together, from the day they spent in the park eating pretzels after Georgina took Milo away, and she has a hold of his arm, smiling this bright and soft smile he's never seen her give anyone else.

_She's not coming back._

He feels stupid for taking this long to admit it, but when a frozen grip enwraps his heart and lungs he thinks it was a good idea to live in denial. He loves her, he _loves _her in a stupid, happy, shout it from the rooftops sort of way, he loves her because she's more than he thinks she is, not less. He loves her because when she thought he wanted Blair, she let herself be heartbroken to make him happy.

It's so selfless and so Serena, and in that moment it's so fucking ironic he wants to break something.

_I want you to be happy, but I can't be here for you, in this city, and be happy for you._

_I want you to be happy._

Serena is what makes him happy.

Dan flips open the phone, scrolls down to her name and taps on the call button.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Mega thanks to my reviewers, I love you guys :3 I've responded to those with accounts, those without, thank you so much, I really appreciate your feedback. Enjoy, sorry for the delay. Next chapter will be up very soon, it's half done.**

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><p>Serena snuggles further under the comforter, feeling heat radiate from the vacant space beside her. She can hear him moving about their apartment, and when he kneels down to lay tiny, feathery kisses on her nose and cheek she giggles.<p>

Carter smiles, "I'll see you later, beautiful."

They say time heals all wounds. She doesn't think that's true, because she still hurts over her father and Cece and Pete. She still hurts over Dan and Blair.

_Especially Dan, always Dan…_

She thinks- no, she_ knows_ it's not true- but time has given her distance. And distance has enabled her to bury it and them beneath Californian sunshine, beneath Carter's naughty smirk and soft touch. Serena has carefully crafted her life here, and it's light and easy and fun, it's….isolated. So beautifully, painfully isolated from everything and everyone she was and had in New York; she's not sure whether she wants to laugh or cry about it.

But so long as she doesn't think or feel or talk about him, she's happy. Her life is perfect. People compliment her on the runway, and she smiles thankfully. They attend society events, and she laughs mirthfully. Carter kisses her just under her ear, and she sighs his name breathily.

Her life is perfect, and she doesn't feel a thing.

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><p>A woman from Victoria's Secret calls, and Serena is curious until she mentions the shoot is in New York. It flashes through her mind unbidden, <em>Lily Eric Chuck Blair Dan BlairandDan,<em> and she closes off thoughts and conversation immediately.

After hanging up she tries to pretend it doesn't hurt to think she might never go back.

* * *

><p>Life is a bitch.<p>

Carter comes home one night, all atwitter with restlessness and tells her his sister had a baby. Serena feels an incredible fondness for him right then, at the fraternal and paternal light in his eyes, and when he wraps his arms around her from behind she lays her hands over his, giggling at his giddiness.

He kisses the shell of her ear, "Let's go to New York."

The fondness disappears.

"What? Our life is here Carter, we don't need to go to New York." She's glad he's behind her and didn't see the flash of panic cross her face or the wariness on it now.

"Cassie's there with the baby, and the people from Victoria's Secret keep leaving messages."

Serena says nothing, because what can she say?

Carter's never been one for patience, and he tightens his grip, "Serena, come on. It's your home, why don't you want to go back?"

They say home is where the heart is.

The life she has here is sturdy and reliable, but it sits upon a delicate sandy foundation of denial and lies and escapism. Fear bolts through her, because if she brings these sculpted glass walls to New York they will crack and crumble and her perfectly numb existance will spill out, and she's so sick of sitting amidst the ruins of her life.

Carter's arms are firm around her waist and his breath warm against her ear, and she feels…something. She doesn't want to lose the life she has now to the one she had in New York, but for the first time since she saw him after arriving in L.A she doesn't want to lose Carter either.

_Home is where the heart is.._

She left her heart in New York with Dan, and right _now_ it chooses to start dwelling in Los Angeles with Carter. She never knew until now that being torn actually made your chest pull.

Life is an ironic bitch.

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><p>Serena skilfully avoids giving Carter an answer for a few weeks, but he's not stupid. Every time she dances around it she can see him get a little less patient and the tiniest bit suspicious, and she realises if she doesn't give him an answer she might lose her life here anyway.<p>

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

She rings Chuck because he's the only person who really understands the whole situation and doesn't judge her for it, and he answers her call in traditional form.

'_I hope you're crying because you finally disposed of Baizen.'_

She's makes a frustrated sound, 'Chuck!'

'_It's been too long since a woman said my name with such passion.'_

They banter back and forth for a while in their own, twisted sibling way, before Serena gathers enough courage, 'So, Carter's sister had a baby last month.'

'_Another Baizen, just what the world needs-'_

She ignores it, 'He wants us to come to New York.'

Chuck is silent for a moment, and she can see his eyebrow raise in surprise and the pensive, thoughtful look on his face as he considers his answer. She's not sure what she wants him to say, but she fucking _hates _the part of her that hopes Dan is waiting in New York, without Blair.

'_You should come back. There's something controlled and dull about this city without you.'_

It doesn't answer the question she really wants to ask, the question she'll never ask, and her heart rends at the fact that he says nothing about them, because that says it all.

'Oh...Chuck, I….I can't…'

'_Yes, you can. Come home Serena.'_ He says it with a business like tone, one that leaves no room for debate, and she bids him goodbye with a sense of surrender.

She's going back.

* * *

><p>When she tells him she'll go to New York, Carter picks her up by the middle and kisses her deeply, eyes crinkling as he grins at her, "I love you."<p>

His grey eyes show it, the same eyes that have been there for months, the same grey eyes that don't break her, that _can't _break her, and she slips her tongue into his mouth. She can do this, she _will _do this, because she has Carter who she sort of loves, and it may not be like a fairy tale, he may not give her butterflies and make her feel like she's better than what everyone thinks she is, he may not be the love of her life, but he's safe.

* * *

><p>The sit on the plane, and she's at the point where she's felt so much about New York that she can't feel anything at all, and Serena loves the calm numbness that settles over her. The fasten seatbelts sign comes on, and she can feel the aircraft move as her cellphone vibrates in her pocket. She pulls it out quickly to shut it off.<p>

_Incoming call: Dan._

She drops it like it's a poisonous snake.

It sort of feels like one.

Carter notices the look of panic on her face, and her strokes her wrist, "Hey, are you okay? I thought you liked flying."

She leans down and grabs her phone before he can see the caller I.D, smiling tightly at him, "I'm fine, I thought I forgot something, but it's okay."

She looks at the phone again, _One message received: Dan, _and that malignant, searing sensation rips through her like it did that day in the penthouse when his hand wrapped around hers. She so angry, so fucking angry with herself she could throw herself out of the door of the plane, and she catches the tear that falls down her cheek before her boyfriend can see it.

The numbness is gone, and as they ascend she hates whatever higher power there is, because she hasn't forgotten a thing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Two updates, I am good to you people. Seriously though, its cause the last one was super short. Anyway, enjoy. I'm not entirely satisfied with the last couple of chapters, but God damn, this is a DS fic, and we need to get to the DS! Please review :)**

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><p>Dan sits for a minute, cellphone still in his hand, and wishes he had more control over what comes out of his mouth. With every unanswered ring he'd become more desperate to hear her voice, and by the time the message tone beeped in his ear <em>everything<em> just tumbled out in a stumbling incoherent mess until his brain actually kicked in and he hung up. He feels like he did after their first date, the night he closed with an awkward wave, all unsure and jittery and he wants to hurt himself for being such an idiot.

It wears off soon enough, replaced by the far more unpleasant topic of why she didn't answer. Try as he might his imagination picks up the idea and runs with it, and Dan spends the next three hours alone in the loft stewing about it.

When Rufus calls and tells him Serena's on a flight home, he nearly falls off the chair he's swinging on. He asks when and where her flight is coming in, and doesn't say goodbye before hanging up.

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><p>Serena hovers at the point of exit, staring down the long tunnel that leads back to New York and everyone in it. Her cellphone feels heavy and painful in her pocket, vibrating every so often to remind her that her past has left a message on her voicemail. Her hand is firmly tucked into Carter's, and this moment, right here, feels important.<p>

For all her efforts to squash it, she wishes things were different. She wishes she was coming home for good and the boy beside her was a little less suave and a little more awkward, with dark eyes and darker hair, but this is what she has. This is what she's built. Serena Van der Woodsen never commits to anything, but if she's going to be in this city with _them_, she has to commit to this.

She squeezes Carter's hand in her own, and officially steps foot back in New York.

_If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with._

* * *

><p>She's missed her mother, and is glad to see her waiting poised and aristocratic with Rufus by her side shifting uncomfortably. Lily gives Carter an almost imperceptible sideways look, but she embraces him warmly and for a moment, Serena's glad she came back. She smiles brightly as her mother and boyfriend converse, hand still wrapped in his.<p>

It evaporates the moment she sees a set of wide brown eyes staring at her from the terminal entrance, and it actually feels like her heart has stopped beating but curiously she's still alive. It's an alien sensation, made all the more strange by the fact that Dan is standing there with a look that can only be described as heartbreak playing across his face, and she feels nothing.

Not anger, loss, guilt, happiness, love.

She doesn't feel a thing.

* * *

><p>Her hand is interlocked with Carter Baizen's, she's staring at him with guarded blue eyes, and he realises this must be how she felt when she saw him with Blair. His lungs don't want to breathe and his heart feels weighted, and he can do nothing but stare at their intertwined fingers.<p>

A maelstrom falls on him, anger, loss, guilt, happiness, _lovelovelove._

He wishes he couldn't feel a thing.

* * *

><p>Serena lies next to her boyfriend in their suite at the Palace that night, replaying the few seconds at the airport over and over in her head.<p>

She felt nothing.

She felt nothing.

She felt nothing.

She'd lost count how many times she cried over him in Los Angeles, and she wonders if she cried herself out. If there's a quota on how much you can hurt for someone and she's reached that with Dan.

_I loved you, and just because we broke up doesn't mean I can turn it off like that._

But all of a sudden, it's just...not there. He was standing before her, and it might as well have been empty space. It's shut down, she's taken her feelings for him and boxed them away in an untouched part of her mind, and she's finally got what she wanted.

She felt _nothing._

Serena's glad Carter is a heavy sleeper as she curls away from him, stuffs her face into a pillow and sobs.

* * *

><p>She goes to see Chuck at the Empire the next day, partially because she's missed him and partially because she wants to see if he's actually still a functioning person after watching Dan and Blair together for so long. There's no answer when she knocks, but when the door slides open at a nudge she wanders in tentatively,<p>

"Chuck?"

There's still no answer, and she pads into the lounge, scanning for her brother, "Chu-uck?"

"…Serena?"

It's not Chuck's voice, and she whips her head around so fast she flicks herself in the face with her long golden hair.

_Blair._

She doesn't look any different. Still petite and impeccably styled, her brown hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, and she has no right to still look like the Blair she grew up with, the Blair who loved her, when this Blair is the one who broke her heart. Serena feels vestiges of anger and hurt boil inside her, but they are faint and weary. More than anything, she looks at Blair, and feels empty.

This thing where she doesn't feel is getting a little too frequent for comfort.

Blair's gaze is watery, and she looks so… so sorry, that Serena's features soften; it's tangled up with betrayal and hurt and bitterness, but it's not until she's looking right at her best friend she realises how much she's _missed _her. Blair is uncertain and reticent, so it's Serena who takes the few steps forward and wraps her arms around the smaller girl.

Sniffily and wet, her voice mumbles into Serena's shoulder, "I missed you so much, S."

It reminds her of when she left, their awkward goodbye, and she laughs a little, "I missed you too." She means it a little more than she did last time.

They take a moment to stand there together before they settle on Chuck's couch, and Blair wipes her eyes,

"If I had known you were going to be here I might have worn waterproof mascara."

Serena smiles, but isn't sure what to say. Now that the emotion of the moment has worn off, she feels wariness of Blair and Dan creeping back, and she regards her friend carefully.

"Yeah, it was spur of the moment…wait, what are you doing here?"

Blair wipes her eyes with a tissue, though her makeup is actually still perfect, "Looking for Chuck, like you were. Believe me, there's no other reason I'd be in this part of the city."

Serena frowns, "I didn't know you and Chuck were back on friendly terms, things were pretty bad after….before I left." She'd actually rather set herself on fire than hear Blair talk about Dan and their relationship, so she awkwardly avoids it.

Blair stares at her with calculating brown eyes which narrow the slightest bit, "It's taken him a while, but he's come around."

They're getting into dangerous territory, and Serena tries to close the conversation off, "It must be sort of weird, but good for him, right? Anyway, how is you Mum doing?"

Blair's face morphs into one of utter confusion, "What must be sort of weird?" Serena gives her a frank look, _don't make me say it._ Her eyes widen and her eyebrows raise in surprise, "Are you talking about Humphrey?"

Hearing his name- even the last one- from Blair stings, and Serena withdraws a little from her friend. She's not sure how they came to this point when it's the one thing she so badly wanted to avoid in this God forsaken city, and she's about to make up some excuse to _run run run _when a dainty hand rests on her arm.

"Serena, we…"

"Blair, don't." Her tone is warning, but the brunette's grip tightens around her wrist when she moves,

"We broke up, Serena." She stops trying to pull away, and just stares vacantly at Blair.

…_what?_

"Months ago. We're just…we're just friends." Blair rolls her eyes, "I'm starting to think we should have stayed friends in the first place." Serena is looking at her with an unreadable expression, and more than anything she wants her to take her hand off her arm.

_What?_

"Are you serious?"

Blair laughs a little at the disbelieving look on her face, "Yes, I'm serious. Honestly I don't know how you put up with-"

"Are you fucking serious?" Serena shakes off her touch and Blair pulls back, mouth open in a little 'o' at her outburst. They stand up simultaneously, and that empty feeling she's been having is gone.

She sure as hell feels something now.

Valentine's Day, Blair's wedding, Cece's funeral, _I love you, Dan Humphrey, always have, always will, _it all come cascading down in an avalanche of fury, nausea and pain, _always pain. _Her voice is a shrill, bitter sound she doesn't like, but it's more powerful than the part of her that's curled up sobbing, "I told him I loved him, I told _you _I loved him, and for what?"

Never one to back down, Blair raises her chin haughtily, "You told me you were okay with it, I said I wouldn't do it and you told me you were okay with it!"

"How could I possibly be okay with it Blair? Tell me, if it were you, would you be okay with it? What if it was Chuck?" Blair's eyes flash with anger, but she says nothing because there's nothing she can say. Serena's insides burn, and she laughs bitterly,

"I gave up _everything_ for you, I gave you Dan and I left the city so you could have him and you _let_ me, and you're not even together anymore? I built a whole new life, and you're not even together anymore?"

Serena's shouting at Blair by this point, and her voice is gathering a high quality that tells her she's going to start crying, and she _feels_ like crying because she'd let him go, and it was all for nothing. Blair is staring at her with defensive brown eyes, and Serena needs to get out of this room so badly she might jump out the window.

She takes the stairs over the elevator and physically runs from the Empire and Blair, runs until she the air in her lungs burns and her legs shake.

She'd let them go. Night after night of wishing _he _lay beside her, spending the night with a _boyfriend_ she _loves_ and hoping to God he doesn't realise she closes her eyes to pretend he's someone else, and they're not even together. She cannot fathom it.

It's all so perfectly, disgustingly, fucking ironic.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry for how long this took guys. I'm not mega happy with it, but I'm trying to straighten up how Serena's feeling. A huge thanks to the people who take time to review, it means a lot to me. TerraBeth and DedicatedToTwilight are some great authors who follow this, you guys should look up their stuff. Anyway, next chapter tomorrow I hope. Enjoy and review :)**

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><p>Serena sits on a bench not far from the Empire, floating in a sort of limbo. She's not sure how far she ran before realising she left her purse in Chuck's suite, but there's no way she can go back in there with Blair. It's become a theme in her life, avoiding her. She'd hate it, but right now her seething anger at her best friend takes precedent.<p>

Serena had months crying over them in L.A, she had bound herself so tightly into Carter Baizen's life so she could live with _DanandBlair_ and without Dan and Blair, only to find once she was really strong enough to face them, there wasn't a them to face.

It's so beautifully fucked she has a giggle about it.

"Sitting on the street laughing to yourself. We may have to have you committed."

Chuck's velvety voice comes from her left, and despite everything her spirit buoys at the sight of her brother. His hands are in his pockets and like Blair he is impeccably dressed, and she wonders how it is the world she left really hasn't changed. Brown eyes regard her with an unreadable expression, but his tone is typically nonchalant.

"Blair is in my suite crying."

Serena huffs, "Good."

Chuck looks derisively at the bench space beside her, but he carefully sits down anyway. She can feel him staring at her with the Bass family stare, one he uses to unnerve people into talking, but Serena gazes off to her left. No-one knows her in the way Chuck does, and she doesn't have to explain that she's not truly happy about Blair's misery.

"I'm going to hazard a guess and say this is about Humphrey?" Again Serena says nothing, but she can hear him smirk, "I have to say sis, this isn't the reaction I expected. Are you going to make him cry too? I'd like to be there if that's the case."

She's not really in the mood to trade jabs with Chuck, but right now she's such a chaotic mess of feelings, if she doesn't tell someone she thinks she might have a breakdown and _really _need to be committed. Serena sighs, "I've already seen Dan."

The tone is tired and her voice is soft, and Chuck's brow draws together slightly in concern, "And he didn't tell you they broke up?"

"When I say I saw him, I mean literally. We didn't talk." Serena remembers the unadulterated heartbreak play across his face at the airport, and that expression and his presence makes infinitely more sense now that she knows he and Blair aren't together.

Dan was there for _her_. Serena's too full of stupid feelings to know what to make of that right now.

"At the airport?" Her blue eyes flick to him curiously, and Chuck shakes his head a little, "You have been gone too long. Nothing happens in this city without me knowing about it." Serena smiles at him, but it's a deliberate gesture that doesn't reach her weary gaze. Looking at her, heartsick and over everything, Chuck feels an intense kinship with his sister, and he's so glad she's back in New York. If he were someone else, he might have hugged her.

But he's Chuck Bass.

"So, you and Blair again?"

Chuck sighs, "No."

Serena raises an eyebrow, "You're not together?"

"No…we're not….not together."

Serena has never really understood Chuck and Blair and she isn't about to pretend she does now, "That makes no sense, Chuck." She says frankly.

He chuckles and she laughs a little, because their lives have never really made a whole lot of sense. Chuck lays a hand on her forearm, and Serena covers it with her own. He looks at the Empire to the left of them, knowing Blair is sitting in his suite with a bottle of Dom '95 and room service waiting for him. She's trying to rebuild them, and Chuck is content with the dinner dates in the hotel and ventures to the ballet and opera, but he's held back from Blair by the same wariness he can feel rolling off Serena.

"How did you feel, when you saw Dan at the airport?" He wants to know, he _needs _to know, because he felt rather pathetic when he first saw Blair after she and Dan broke up and he still felt that fluttering in his stomach, the same one that made him sick and sleepless.

Serena sighs and doesn't really feel like talking about it, but if she can't tell Chuck of all people she can tell no-one, and unshared it'll eat her alive.

"…nothing. I…I didn't feel anything."

Chuck raises his eyebrows, "What?"

"The whole time in L.A, all I wanted was to stop…feeling things, for Dan. I just didn't want," Serena's voice cracks a little, and she shakes her head, "I didn't want to love him anymore, I didn't want to hurt anymore. But when I saw him and there was _nothing_, I…"

She trails off, and Chuck presses on because he legitimately wants to know how she's dealing with it, how _he_ should deal with it, "Did you feel better?"

Serena recalls spending the night next to Carter crying, mourning the loss of the love of her life. All the times she'd wished to destroy the butterflies he gave her, all the times she'd willed her heart not to race and her face not to smile, Serena had never thought the death of these things would leave her with such a gaping sense of loss.

If she loved Dan, she was heartbroken. If she didn't love Dan, she was empty. That seems unfair.

"No. I didn't feel better."

They fall into comfortable silence, and it occurs to her that despite all their phonecalls Chuck said nothing about the breakup. Serena reaches over and smacks him hard in the shoulder, "What was that for?" He asks incredulously.

"Why didn't you tell me about Dan and Blair?"

Her brother rubs his shoulder, musing over his words carefully, "If I could let you listen to yourself before you left for Los Angeles, I would. You've never been that way before Serena. I hate Carter Baizen, but after you found him, you started to sound more like yourself. Not the same, but better. You left to escape them, why would I bring it up?"

Serena makes an irritated sound, "I deserved to know, I would've…" She trails off, _would have what?_

"What would you have done?" Serena says nothing, just fiddles with her fingers in her lap, "You have Carter, and he makes you happy."

Carter makes her content, and laugh and smile, but he doesn't make her happy. Still, "Yeah, he does…"

They lapse into silence again, and her phone jingles in her pocket; she still hasn't listened to that message. She has never been a person for self-examination, but sitting next to Chuck who is struggling with this himself makes it hard to deny where her feelings are steering her. Between hurting over her numbness with Dan and imploding over the fact that giving him to Blair led fucking nowhere, even Serena Van der Woodsen can't ignore it.

He loved Blair and she let him, she dragged her broken heart halfway across the country and dove into a committed relationship with Carter, she bled and cried and buried herself for months trying to forget him, and she still inexplicably, inextricably, loves Dan Humphrey.

Always has, always will.

But he _hurts_, he's hurt her more than she thought one person could, and she hates him a little and resents him a little, and Serena doesn't know if she can forget that.

Chuck glances at his phone and sits forward, preparing to leave. His puts a hand on her shoulder, "I'm glad you're back, Serena. Really."

Serena smiles at him, nodding a little, "I missed you Chuck." He gets up, and as he heads towards the Empire she feels her phone vibrate in her pocket. _One message received: Dan._

"Chuck?" He stops and looks over his shoulder, "You and Blair….how did you forgive her?"

His eyes move away, and when he looks back at her there's an insecurity in him she's never seen before.

"I haven't yet."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Super sorry for the wait, this chapter was a bitch to write, and I'm still not really satisfied with it. Anyway, I have a vague idea of where it's going, but it might take a while to put it into words. Thanks to people who review, the more I get the more inclined I am to update. Really, you can all thank cj for this one, that's who left an additional review asking for an update :p**

**Enjoy my lovelies.**

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><p>Dan stays in the loft for three days after the airport. He doesn't shave or eat anything that doesn't come out of a box or packet, and he's worried about how much he's enjoying reruns of Ellen. There's a special on couples this afternoon, and he can still see Carter Baizen's hand wrapped around that of the girl he loves.<p>

If he could pull his own heart out, he'd do it.

Rufus wanders into the loft like he still lives there, and Dan regards him from the couch but doesn't get up. His father surveys the dishevelled look to everything, his son included, before sighing, "Talk to me Dan, what is this?"

"This," Dan gestures at the loft, "is me feeling sorry for myself."

Rufus makes a non-committal sound before taking a couple of beers from the fridge and sitting next to Dan. He cracks the top and offers one to his son who takes it readily.

"I'm sorry, Dan." He swallows a mouthful and nods, but says nothing, eyes downcast. Rufus grimaces, "Have you spoken to Serena since she got back?"

Dan shakes his head, "I don't know what there is to say."

"You've always been a straight shooter, Dan. You should talk to her."

He frowns a little, giving his father a sideways glance, "That's it?" Rufus shrugs and Dan chuckles, "I'm a little disappointed, Dad, I could really go a rallying speech right now." Silence settles on them, and Dan runs a hand through his unruly curls, "I tried to call her before she came back, I left her a message. I said everything there is to say, if she still doesn't want to talk to me then there's nothing else. It's done."

"You really want my advice?" Rufus puts a hand on Dan's shoulder, "It's better to know than not know."

Dan sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Is it?"

_Ignorance is bliss, right?_

* * *

><p>Serena's halfway through unpacking one of her suitcases when she hears her phone sound. She's nothing if not disorganised and her clothes are strewn across the bed in rough piles, so she welcomes the distraction and flops down amongst the wrinkled shirts and skirts.<p>

_One message received: Blair._

It's been a few days since their messy reunion at the Empire, and guilt had slowly been gnawing away at her anger towards her best friend. Serena's done some horrible things in the past- the Shepard Wedding comes to mind in this particular moment- but Blair bled her for that, and as much as she's bitter at her Serena just doesn't have that, the innate, deliberate pursuit of vengeance.

When she came back after talking to Chuck and talking- yelling, really- with Blair, Serena had sat in the room at the Palace and taken careful stock of her situation.

Dan showed up at the airport, and she's not sure what to make of that but at best it means he feels something for her, and at worst it means he _feels_ something for her.

She's been dating Carter for months, close to a year, and it's as serious as she's ever been since she dated Dan back in high school, and she loves Carter, in her own way.

Burying face in her hands she groans, wondering when life is going to get less complicated. That night when she stared at Carter from across the dinner table and he ran a finger over the underside of her wrist tenderly, her heart ached for him. She hasn't _done_ anything wrong, she hasn't even spoken to Dan, but somehow it still felt dirty to sit there, smile at him and say nothing. In that moment she violently regrets coming back to New York.

Serena drops on of the hands against her face, opens the text from Blair, _Can we talk, _and despite herself smiles briefly. Their friendship is in a weird place, but it's been marred by weird places ever since they were little, and Serena quickly responds, _I was just thinking the same thing. _She doesn't know how appropriate it would be to talk about her current situation with Blair, but at the very least she'd like to know how things are with Chuck, and despite herself she has a morbid curiosity over what happened with Dan.

The elevator sounds from the foyer, and she's lying amidst her clothes as she glances at the clock. Carter is at lunch with his father, something she anticipates won't end well, and she's prepared for the closed attitude he's likely to come home with. It's sooner than she expected,

"I didn't think you'd be home so early," Serena shouts from the bedroom, hoping he's in a reasonable mood. There's no response, and she groans, _great,_ "Was it that bad?"

Footsteps, but no answer. Her delicate eyebrows pull together in concern, and she stands up from the bed, padding towards the doorway, "Carter? Are you okay?" She asks, voice soft and tender. She stops abruptly, almost comically, when she catches sight of dark ringlets and dark eyes dressed in a wrinkled shirt, _what are you doing here you can't be here._ They stand six feet apart, but the distance physically is nothing when compared to the cavernous space stretching between them emotionally.

Serena opens her mouth, eyes darting away as they do when she's nervous, and she sounds distant and wary when she speaks, "What are you doing here, Dan?"

It reminds him of years ago, of a mask that made him look like Robin and a black fluffy thing, _"I'm saving you." _But the shift in her voice and eyes when she saw he was not Carter, the way her arms are folded against her chest and her stance closed off, it hurts. He hates it, but she has a right to feel that way, and he hates that more.

"I'm here to see you," Dan answers with a gentle, careful tone. Serena's blue eyes are guarded but not unkind, and he takes a few steps forward, _knowing is better than not knowing,_ musters his courage, "Serena-"

"Why?"

He remembers asking her the same question almost a year ago, and he remembers her answer.

"Why not?"

Serena braces herself on one leg, arms still crossed. She takes a long, measured look at him, and a part of her wants him to leave and a part of her wants him to stay and a part of her wants to run away, "Why did you come to the airport?"

That accursed morbid curiosity takes hold, _why are you doing this to yourself?_

Dan frowns a little, wondering what she's getting at because he's pretty sure he foolishly blurted _everything_ about _everything_ on her voicemail, "You know why."

Her heart buoys immediately at the familiar light in his eyes, the softness of his tone, but pain guilt and wariness strangle its flight, weaving about eachother like a net which traps her feelings for him beneath. Serena feels treacherous tears welling in her eyes, which Dan catches as her eyelids flutter and she bites her lower lip ever so slightly. He's only seen her cry a handful of times and it makes him hate himself a little that most of those times had been over him.

He's not keen to see it happen again now, and weird awkward chasm be damned he strides closer and reaches for her, hand uncertainly hovering between them, "Serena-"

"No. Go home Dan." She turns away and half runs into room she came from, voice cracking and loose blonde curls bouncing around her shoulders, but he's come this far and _knowing is better than not knowing._

He follows her into what turns out to be the bedroom, and even if he didn't know he'd recognise that she was living there; disorganisation is one of her calling cards. She turns when he walks in and while her face is blessedly free of tears for the moment her gaze is defensive, "I'm serious, get out."

Dan's never been the target of her anger in this way, but she deserves to feel as she does and clearly she needs to hear it from him not the message on her cellphone, "No, I'm not letting you run away from this, from us. Serena, I know you're hurt over what happened with Blair-"

She takes a step away from him, shaking her head, "Dan, don't-"

"-so sorry, I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do to take it back." She's unreceptive and he can see her closing herself off further and further by the minute and he's getting desperate as he feels her slipping away, _please believe me, please please please, _"Serena, I love y-"

"STOP IT!" She shouts at him, shrill and ugly and he's never heard something like that come from her before. The words stick in his throat as she takes a shuddering breath that makes it look like it hurts to breathe, and it's because of him. To breathe hurts her, because of him. Dan doesn't think it's possible to hate anyone more than he hates himself right then. "You don't get to fall back on me because things didn't work with Blair, you don't get to make me your second choice."

He was wrong. It is possible.

He opens his mouth to speak but Serena cuts him off, "You were always first to me, Dan. Do you know what it feels like to know I'm not first to you?"

A line forms between his brow as he considers her words, and he loathes the temper that rises within him but Dan has never been a man of restraint, "You know, I do actually."

"What?"

"Ben, do you remember Ben? The teacher from boarding school you moved into _my _loft, who you made out with in _my _loft? Don't try and tell me I was your first choice then."

Serena's eyes fill with defiance at his biting tone and she raises her chin, "That was different!"

"How? How was it different? Because the way I see it-"

"I asked you to come with me, I wanted to be with you and you chose to stay here!" Serena's roiling anger breaks as she thinks back on the day she'd left, the kiss on the cheek and the fact that when she came back Dan's attention had been somewhat strayed, "You chose to stay here," She'd rather the rage in her tone over the meek, broken sound striating it now, "with Blair. You chose Blair."

Ugly and malignant, that's it. That's what made her leave, that's what kept her away, and that's what tearing at the fragile bond that holds them together now. Serena sighs, rubbing her eyes with her hands in a way that he'd find so cute if it wasn't so fucking heartbreaking, "Why are you here? Because I'm back in the city, it suits you to have me here? You can't…you don't get to love me because you found out Blair doesn't love you."

They haven't touched in a year, and he reaches over to grasp her by the wrist. Just that small connection is electric, and Dan feels the surge of simple relief, _happiness,_ at feeling her skin beneath his, the delicate bones of her wrist and hand. It reminds him of Kiss on the Lips, of spaghetti in the loft, of Cotillion and paper snowflakes and _always have, always will,_ and he catches her gaze with his.

"Is that what you think?" His voice is _so_ gentle, and she doesn't speak for fear of crying so she nods, "I didn't wait until you came back to the city, I called you. I left you a message." Serena looks at her phone, sitting on the bed still, _one message received; Dan,_ "I haven't listened to it."

"Why?"

"…because it hurts." Dan closes his eyes, because _that_ hurts, and it finally settles stone cold within him that he has no right to do this to her. It takes everything he has to pry his fingers from her wrist.

_Let go, Dan._

He's turning back towards the door when something wraps around his hand, feminine fingers resting in the palm of his hand.

"No, don't…"

Don't what? Go? Give up? Amongst the photos she took to L.A. Serena can see a framed picture of her and Carter at the zoo, smiling with his arms wrapped around her from behind. Dan tightens his grip ever so slightly on her hand and follows her gaze, courage rending at the sight of her happy with someone else. Happier than she's been in a long time.

Clothes across the bed, picture frames and what feels like another goodbye, it's eerily like the last conversation they had. But then it was them in that photo frame, then she still loved him. Now it's a room she shares with another man they're standing in, she's built her life with someone else and he's the reason she did it, and Dan feels stupid and angry and empty.

_Let go, Dan._

"Do you love him?" He doesn't know why he asks, maybe because it's easier than asking _Do you love me?_

Serena looks at him, really looks at him with blue eyes unreadable but dry, and there's a long pause before she responds, "Do you love me?"

Dan takes in this girl, _this _girl, the girl who loved him enough to let him go, the girl who took kindly to his uncertainty and soothed his anxieties the first night they spent together, the girl who loved him as he made doe eyes at her best friend, and _how could he not?_

"I do," He says, taking a his free hand and touching her cheek carefully with the tips of his fingers, "Always have, always will."

Serena wants to take that half a step forward and press her lips to his, she wants to bury her face in his shoulder and feel his hands against her skin, she _wants _to love him and let him love her, but she's so immensely _afraid._

_I don't wanna break up._

_Maybe I do.._

_I still…_

_Me too…_

_Where does that leave us?_

_You were the love of my life, Dan…_

_Is this about us, because I didn't give you an answer yet?_

_You just did._

_You love Blair._

_Let go, Dan_

_Let go._

"I can't…" It falls out of her mouth and she hates it, but it's protecting her. She can't do it again, she won't survive it again.

Dan feels the queer sensation of numbness rest over him, and he despairs when she lets go of his hand, _no…_

"You can't?" He sounds like she feels, and Serena shakes her head because she can't talk anymore today. She looks tired and defeated and the light that makes her _Serena_ isn't there, hasn't been there in a while, and Dan did that to her. Something alien coordinates him enough to walk away, and when he gets to the door he stops and looks back to her, after all this she deserves to be happy and he _has_ to know,

"Serena?" Blue eyes meet his brown ones, and he finds it hard to believe they're finally come to this, "Do you love him?"

Her face falls for him, and she swallows with some difficulty. He can't see it from the door, but when she looks at that photo of Carter and herself she can see the very corner of the framed golden dress and sweeping kiss peeking out beneath a pair of jeans, and she turns away because she can't watch him walk away this time, the final time.

"Not like I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for the delay bbs! Lack of inspiration is directly proportional to the lack of Derena we have lately. Anyway, enjoy the chapter, thanks to Chiara, my lovely soulmate who gets on my back about updating and helps me bounce ideas around. Read and review if you'd be so kind :)**

* * *

><p>Carter Baizen has always been a man of measure. It's what made him a magnetic force in school and an effective con artist as he got older; he never acted or spoke on impulse, and as a result smug confidence radiated from him. He appears calm and collected, and that's the way he likes it. But as he wanders through the foyer of the Palace and catches sight of a familiar form padding towards him, a very primal surge of territorialism causes him to pause.<p>

He's never liked Dan Humphrey.

The other man looks up, slowing when his brown eyes meet a pair of stony grey, and Dan wishes he could melt into the highly buffed hotel floor, because Carter Baizen is the last person on the entire fucking planet he wants to see right now.

"Dan, Humphrey, right?" It's a typical Upper East Side snide greeting, and Dan bristles at Carter who is looking at him with a mixed expression, disdain, indifference and something he can't quite define. The bone crushing conversation with Serena minutes before is open and raw and Dan cannot stand here and talk to the man who holds the most important thing in his life. The feeling eats through him, and Dan intrinsically understands why Serena left New York.

He rubs his temple with one hand, "Don't do that, don't act like we've barely met." It's snappy and childish, and Carter raises his eyebrows nonchalantly, smirking. Dan wonders how quickly security will tackle him if he punches the smug bastard in the face.

"A little highly strung aren't we?" He notes the tension in the other man, the wrinkled plaid and standoffish vibe rolling off him, "What are you doing here? It doesn't seem like your kind of place."

Carter's not an unkind person, and truthfully the elitist attitude he's laying on Dan Humphrey is something he detests but something brutishly male wants him _gone_. Serena and he have been together for a while now, and not once has she ever mentioned Dan's name in that time. But he saw him at the airport though Serena didn't realise it, and he recognised that look.

Carter knows what a man looks like when he's in love with Serena Van der Woodsen.

Indignant anger floods his system and Dan squares his shoulders a little, staring down the confident grey gaze.

_Not like I love you…_

He could say it, he could say it and wipe that arrogant, obnoxious fucking smile off his face. The words burn in Dan's throat, and he _wants_ to do it so badly it hurts, to see Carter's conceit ripped from him. But he remembers a wide smile at the zoo, the softness in her voice _Carter, are you okay_, and the fearful, broken blue eyes, _I can't…_

He loves Serena more than he hates Carter.

"It's not, I was just…leaving. I'm leaving." Dan drags himself and what's left of his dignity towards the doors, though he's not sure where to go after that.

Eyeballing his retreating form, Carter allows himself a frown, "Dan?"

He stops but doesn't turn around, "What?"

"Stay away from my girlfriend."

* * *

><p>When she heard the elevator doors shut Serena had dropped to the ground where she stood and cried. It wasn't heaving sobs, she just sat against the wall and let the tears roll over her cheeks, trickle down the side of her face.<p>

Defeat tastes bitter and surrender makes her body heavy, so she stays there, thinking about nothing, staring vacantly at the two photos on her bed. What she had _what she wanted, _and what she has _what she's chosen_. It feels very final, very committed, and though she's pretty sure it should be the beginning of one thing all she can see is the end of something else.

The elevator rings again. Her heart thuds violently.

_He came back._

"Serena?"

_He didn't._

She panics at Carter's voice, rubbing a hand over her face to hide the fact she's been crying. Serena knows it probably won't help and is about to duck into the ensuite when he walks into the bedroom, shrugging off his jacket and undoing the top few buttons of his shirt.

"Hey, making yourself at home?" His voice is light as he gestures at her pile of clothes, smirk failing a little when he meets her gaze, "Are you okay?"

Serena swallows with some difficulty, takes a calming breath and smiles half-heartedly at him, "Yeah, I'm fine. How was lunch with your Dad?"

Carter's having none of it, and he strides over, taking her hand in his. Not as gentle as Dan.

He stands close, chest pressed against hers, grey eyes flicking over her features. They're worried and compassionate, but there's something else, something with a hard edge. He's searching.

_For what?_

"Did someone upset you?"

_Yes._

"No."

His gaze bores into hers, and Serena shifts beneath it, frowning a little at the intensity. The guilt she should probably feel glows pitifully within her, she's too exhausted to feel it right now. Instead she closes her eyes, pressing her face into Carter's shoulder and wrapping her arms about him. He warm and solid, and when a hand rests in her hair and the other on the curve of her hip, she sighs.

There are worse ways to spend a lifetime.

Carter's brow is set in wariness as she breathes against him, and when he spies a familiar golden dress and a familiar fucking face in a photo beneath a one of them at the zoo, his grip on her tightens. He's not sure whether it's a possessive gesture or a hurtful one. He wonders why she had that picture, why he'd never seen it, and he remembers the deep brown eyes staring at his girl at the terminal.

Carter had never thought to see if she was staring back.

* * *

><p>Dan eventually gets back to the loft after an hour or so of aimless walking. He stands awkwardly in the walkway between the kitchen and living space, gazing with little focus at the take away cartons piled up on the table and blankets strewn across the couch, and he kind of can't believe this is his life. He feels so…disconnected, like it's all surreal.<p>

_I love you, Dan Humphrey, always have always will._

Somewhere, amidst his quasi love for Blair and the drama she wrapped herself in, Dan had taken that for granted. He'd taken that to mean Serena would always be there. She is there, but she isn't _there, _and the only person he has to blame is himself.

Dan settles on a stool, taking a sip out of an open beer bottle sitting on the bench. It's warm and flat, but he doesn't much care. When his mother left years ago, he'd been angry and abandoned, but he dealt with it. Years later Georgina spirited away the baby he thought was his son, and that hurt more than he's ever admitted, the empty nursery and unworn baby clothes, the absence of a newborn squall. Those things changed him, they rend at his strength and optimism, but not once did either of those things make him want to cry.

He could cry now.

* * *

><p>The table has an alien feel to it that night. Carter is uncharacteristically withdrawn, careful not to cross onto her half of the table, as if battle lines have been drawn. Serena tries to start conversation, but it falls flat as Dan's voice rolls over and over in her ears.<p>

_Do you love him?_

Serena stares at her plate, pushing her salad around with her fork, and she can feel Carter's grey eyes resting on her. He's barely said two words since they started eating, since he came home really, and if she wasn't so ensnared by the sound of his voice, _always have, always will, _she might have noticed the cold edge that's been creeping into her boyfriend.

"What did you do today?"

Serena starts, having become used to the silence, "What?"

"Today, while I was gone. What did you do?" Carter's trying to make it sound casual, but there's something else in his voice, in his eyes. Serena frowns, _what?_

"Nothing. Nothing, I just tried to put some stuff away."

He nods, eyes narrowing the slightest bit, "Mmm, didn't get far. Were you side tracked?"

Carter's voice is low and controlled and he's acting like he thinks something's going on, suspicious and sullen. Serena sighs, drops her fork and leans forward; she cannot be fucked with this day anymore.

"What is it Carter? What's wrong?"

He blinks once, twice, face betraying no feelings. She raises an eyebrow, prompting him to respond, and he presses his lips together before talking.

"Did Dan Humphrey come here today?"

_Fuck._

"Wh..what?"

"He did, right? Before I came back?" His voice is barely strangling the anger bubbling up within him, and Serena cringes internally. There is no good way for this conversation to end.

"He was here." In her version of things Carter will nod, smile and leave it at that.

He stands up quickly, and Serena jumps at the sudden movement, "What was he doing here?"

Her version of things is never right.

"Nothing, we just talked."

"About what?" He snaps, but his voice hasn't risen. Serena feels herself shrink beneath his gaze, _how does he know?_

"Carter, you have nothing to worry about," She says softly, desperately trying to head this off.

They're only a couple of feet apart, and he looks down at her with eyes of cold stone, "Then why did you lie about it? Why didn't you tell me he was here?"

"Because I knew this would happen, this stupid jealous thing you're doing!" Serena has less control over her temper than Carter does, and she does not have the energy for this tonight, and she throws a hand in his direction as she speaks.

"I ran into him in the foyer."

She stops, a breath catching in her throat, and Serena doesn't meet his gaze, "…what did he say?"

Carter chuckles mirthlessly, shaking his head, "Nothing. He doesn't have to," He walks past her and into their bedroom, and she feels tears coming to her eyes. That beautiful, delicate little glass life she's built is cracking, and it's not fair. She can't lose them both.

"Carter…" Serena follows him into the room, and he's standing over the bed, staring at it. She stays near the door, too unsure to move closer, and when he looks back there's such hurt in his grey eyes she feels a noise escape her, a sad little sound, "Carter…."

"I know he was at the airport. I saw him, and I thought it was strange, but I said nothing because I didn't think it mattered because you loved _me._"

"I do, I do love you." She can feel him slipping away, feel what she's given up on Dan for falling between her fingers, and she scrabbles for something to say. Carter picks something up, and she despairs when she sees the picture of her and Dan from Cotillion in his grasp.

_Don't touch it._

"Do you love him too?"

_Oh God._

Her stomach feels like it's dropped to the floor, a vacuum like feeling sucking at her insides and Serena bites her bottom lip, "I….no. I don't."

"I don't believe you."

A tear slides down her face as she snaps her blue eyes up at him, "What?"

"Why did you bring this with you to L.A? Why would he be there at the terminal, why would you lie about him being here, why would I come up to this room and find you crying if nothing's going on?" He's losing his temper, punctuating his words by pointing at her accusingly, and a sob drops from her.

"Nothing happened! Carter, I don't-"

"Don't stand there and tell me you don't have feelings for him, don't lie to me!" He's yelling and coming closer and Serena backs up against the door frame,

"Do you love him?"

"I love you!"

"That isn't an answer!"

Serena knew coming to New York was a mistake, it's acrid waters eating at the walls of her perfect little life, her perfect little lie, and she reaches out to touch him, voice cracking, "Carter…"

"DON'T!" He snaps, knocking her hand away. A small sound of shattered glass has them both stop, and his rapid breathing sounds aggressive next to her sad little hitched inhalations. Serena looks at the picture on the ground, the broken frame and fractured glass distorting the golden dress and dark haired boy beneath.

Her heart cracks, and she steps towards it, a tiny miserable noise coming from her, "…oh…" Serena reaches down and picks it up, one of the greatest nights of her old life shattered by the subject of her new one, and when Carter walks out and slams the door, she does nothing to stop him.

* * *

><p>'<em>I didn't wait until you came back to the city... I left you a message.'<em>

Serena sits and stares at her phone, broken picture frame beside her on the floor, finger hovering about the touchscreen.

_I can't…_

Can she? She wanted to protect her safe little life, but it lies in ruins anyway; Carter walked out hours ago, and she doesn't really care if he doesn't come back right now. Serena dials voicemail. What's she got to lose?

"_Serena, hi, it's me, it's Dan…I know we haven't spoken, it, it's been awhile." _ He pauses, and she smiles a little at the awkward note in his voice, _"I miss you, Serena. I tried to tell myself I didn't; I didn't want to miss you. I don't…" _He sighs, and she can imagine him shaking his head at his inability to articulate, "_Before you left I made a choice. I made it wrong."_

I made it wrong.

Serena laughs and smiles and sobs a little, warmth and familiarity and something strong, powerful coursing through her.

_I made it wrong._

"_I don't expect you to come back, or anything, I just think you should know that I'm...how…I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I love you too."_

The message ends, and Serena looks at the photo in her hand. She remembers their conversation two years ago, the way he'd kissed her cheek and said they'd better be damn ready for their final shot. Fear and the remnants of hurt still circulate through the back of her mind, but as she looks at the kids in the photo, for the first time in years she can see _them. _She can see herself and she can see Dan, and though it's scary and part of her would like to curl up and just never leave the Palace, another part stands above it.

He who risks nothing, does nothing, is nothing.

_I'm really happy to be here with you, right now._

_Have you always looked this good? You look so good today._

_I wasn't wrong to believe in you._

_Are we really gonna do this?_

_I made it wrong._

_Not like I love you._

_I love you too._

It's late, but she doesn't care as she throws on a pair of Ugg boots over her leggings, grabs her cellphone and takes the stairs because it's faster than the elevator. She flags down a cab and pushes her hair out of her face, smiling a little as the driver meets her gaze in the rear vision mirror and asks where to.

"Brooklyn, I'm going to Brooklyn."


	9. Chapter 9

Even in the darkness Serena can tell the loft has seen better days. A combination of streetlamps and moonlight reflects off the empty Chinese food containers, glasses, shirts, and Dan's unkempt hair. It wasn't until she caught sight of him after the door to the loft swung open a little at her knocking that she realised it was actually pretty late. The cab ride over had seen endless words bouncing around her head, some good, some bad, all confused. It's messy and scary and she's thinks she hates him a little but loves him a little more, and there's a lot she has to say. Until now.

He's asleep on the couch beneath a knitted throw rug, lips slightly parted and snoring quietly. It's a little staggering that she hasn't seen him this way in three years almost when it looks so beautifully familiar, and this is one of the few times in her life Serena can genuinely say she feels kind of awkward. She stands above Dan, wringing her hands together, and does nothing.

It's not too late to run away.

Her mind is cleanly divided into the afraid, that wants to run back to Carter-awayfromDan- and the fearless, the bold and reckless that surged at his voice _I made it wrong_. But they are so perfectly balanced in this moment that Serena wants to reach down and touch him and she wants to leave, so she splits the difference and it still.

_It's not too late to run away._

Dan would never know. Carter is angry, but she wasn't lying to him when she said she loved him, and Serena's pretty confident he'd come around. They could go back to L.A, back to that safe little corner of the world and Dan would never know.

_I made it wrong._

She doesn't want to make it wrong too.

Serena takes a hesitant step forward and carefully nudges his foot with her own, "Dan?" She whispers softly. He shows no reaction, and she gets a little closer, kicking at his calf gently, "Dan?"

Nothing.

Serena sighs and rubs her bare arms- stepping out of the Palace at 3am in a t-shirt and leggings was not one of her best moves- and she _very_ tentatively reaches down to shake his shoulder. He's warm and solid beneath her fingertips, and she bites her lip a little, "Dan?"

Dan frowns lightly at this insistent little grip on his shoulder, and when he brings a hand up it collides with a forearm that quickly withdraws. He lazily opens his brown eyes, the darkness of the loft making him wonder if he dreamt the soft touch, the soft voice.

But there's moonlight in those golden curls, thrown together in a haphazard ponytail, and streetlamps illuminate half of that generously curved silhouette, and he suddenly feels much more awake.

_Serena?_

"Serena?"

She looks at him but he can feel she's not looking _at _him, and she's worrying her hands together in front of her when she speaks softly, "Hey."

"…hey."

Dan moves to sit up a little more, and the low light reflects enough of his face to see the confused furrow of his brow.

"The door was open."

All of the things bounding through her head, and _that_ is what tumbles out of her mouth. Say what you will, Serena Van der Woodsen has never been very skilled with words and she's never been very skilled with feelings. In this moment, words and feelings thrown together, it's a small miracle she's even able to string sentences together.

"Yeah, I didn't lock it…" He answers slowly, voice husky with sleep. Dan wants to know why she's here, but so long as he doesn't know his heart bounds along in his throat at the idea she's here for him. Serena's ethereal in the dimly lit conditions, and the sight of her slightly illuminated figure is achingly reminiscent of nights spent together as a couple (though she's wearing significantly more right now). The memories are tortuous with her standing so close and being so far away, and Dan balls up his courage because something seems to have a firm grip on Serena's ability to speak, "What are you doing here?"

It's a soft, kind, maybe even a little hopeful question, and Serena can tell by the quality of his voice wide honest brown eyes are looking at her. She shrugs one shoulder, still standing awkwardly to his left, "I…I don't know…"

That's a lie, she _does _know, she just doesn't know if she can say it, if she knows how to say it. Because he broke her heart, and looking at him that wound is so open and raw, and as much as she wants to she's not sure she can give it to him again.

Dan's silent a moment, "What?"

If she wasn't so uncertain of herself and her decision to be here Serena would laugh at the utter confusion in his voice, "I mean, I do know, I just don't know….umm…"

'_Ummm, umm is never good, what?' _Dan knows that little noise, the shift in her demeanour, he's seen it before.

"Are you scared?"

He can see some tension leave her frame, and she nods almost imperceptibly instead of answering. Dan smiles a little, moves over and motions for her to sit. The loft is still dark, but Serena is enjoying the protection of the darkness and Dan doesn't want to move too much and spook her. She tentatively sits beside him leaving a careful amount of space, and Dan's gaze is gentle on hers, "You have no reason to be scared of me Serena."

She laughs softly and sighs at the same time, shaking her head and looking balefully into his eyes, "Yes I do."

It's wrong, he doesn't know how he let this happen, and since he's got nothing to lose Dan reaches out for her hand, "Serena, please-"

She tenses her fingers when he touches her, but doesn't pull away exactly, "Because I told you I loved you, and you said nothing. Because you wanted Blair when I wanted you." The words are ugly and true but her tone isn't, its kind and Dan thinks he can hear something _happy_ behind it.

Serena looks at the hand that's resting top of hers, unmoving and unsure. This moment feels very final, like that moment years ago, _we either sink or swim, we won't get another chance._

She's not sure they're ready. There's Blair and Carter and she hurts and he probably does too, but it doesn't matter; fate or God or whatever has forced it on them now; this is it. Serena turns her hand up in his, threading their fingers together and takes a steadying breath.

"It scares me that you've left me before, and I don't know if I can trust you not to leave me again."

_I'm not who you thought I was, and you can't forgive that._

_When I step out of this elevator, it's over…_

_Where does this leave us?_

_I love you, Dan Humphrey, always have, always will._

_You love Blair._

_Let go, Dan._

Dan looks away, guilt and regret rising unbridled within him, and if it weren't for her grip on his hand he'd probably punch a hole in the wall. Because looking back, he hates himself; he was confused, judgemental, unyielding. He was young and idealistic, then older and cynical, and he became so ensnared in the Upper East Side he'd forgotten the reason he'd taken it on in the first place.

"I'm so…so sorry," Dan whispers. Serena frowns a little as she looks at him, his gaze downcast and she can feel him starting to pull his hand away.

"Hey," She leans toward him, catching the side of his face with her free hand.

Dan feels the smooth touch against his cheek, and his heart thumps furiously in his ears as he turns his face back towards her. Serena has this hesitant, sad little smile on her face, and the light reflects off her eyes in such a way that he knows she's getting upset.

"That's not why I'm here, Dan. I...I've done a lot of stupid things too, Colin and Ben-"

He feels a sting for bringing that up, "Serena-"

"No, no, you were right. I don't think it's the same as you and….you and Blair," it's still sore to mention, he thinks it always will be, "But it was wrong." The hand that's on his face begins stroking the hair at his temple, and Dan can't help it; he smiles a little.

He still has no idea why she's here, and he's pretty damn sure she's still sort of in love with Carter Baizen, he can see her pain over Blair even now and they've managed to scar eachother pretty well in the last few years. But one hand has a strong grip on his and the other is tickling the skin at his ear and he can't _see_ her particularly well but God, he can feel her. It feels like fireworks on the beach, a kiss in the school hallway after New Years, like _I wasn't wrong to believe in you._

_We better make damn sure we're ready._

"I'm sorry about Ben," Serena says softly, fighting a little smile as she looks at her hand on his face rather than in his eyes, "I sort of made a choice. I made it wrong."

His face becomes serious, and they've managed to move pretty close together by this point, so Serena can tell he's searching her face, "You listened to it?"

She nods a little, and even in the poorly lit loft he can see the smile that reaches her eyes. It's not bright and brilliant like it should be, but it's warm and honest and that's good enough for him, for now. Dan reaches up to wrap his free hand around the wrist of the one touching his face, stroking it gently with his thumb.

Serena sighs softly, laughing a little. Her fingers drop to his shoulder, and she stares intently into his brown eyes.

_Sink or swim._

"Do you know what scares me the most?"

Dan shakes his head, and she stays quiet for a moment. She can stay quiet as long as she wants; he'd wait forever if that's how long it takes, because this feels important.

"That through all of it, after all of it, I've never loved anyone the way I love you." Her face falters a bit, and there's an insecurity he's seen before, something only he's ever managed to give her much to his shame, "I don't know what to do, because…I won't survive this, again. And I'm…I'm scared."

Dan watches her look away, pulling her hand from his on her lap and wiping at her eyes. He releases his grip on her calmly, then places a hand either side of her face, thumb rubbing across the apple of her cheek. Serena closes her eyes, it's too much, she's too vulnerable and afraid and she wants to run away.

"I can't take back what happened," Dan knows she can't look at him, but she's listening, "And I wouldn't. It was important. All of it." Serena shakes her head, breathing in a heavy, wet breath, "Yes, it was." Dan runs his fingers through the wisps of hair that have escaped her ponytail. "Because this is it. We're ready, Serena. Be scared of the future, of commitment. I know how you feel about it," He says it with a teasing lilt, and a giggle escapes her, though she still has her eyes closed, "But please, don't ever be scared I'll leave you. If you want to get rid of me, you'll have to walk away, because this is it for me. I'm not going anywhere."

_He who risks nothing, does nothing, is nothing._

A tear rolls down the outside of her cheek, and she feels Dan brush it away gently. His hands are soft to the touch but strong in grasp, and though her mind is wrestling with fear, fear of hurt and loneliness, something else deep within her settles. Something feels secure and content, something tells her it's time to let it go.

_Let go._

Serena opens her eyes, placing her hands on Dan's forearms and smiling through her confliction, because this much is simple and true.

"I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will."

Some people might say it's wiser to take these things carefully and slowly, but it feels like it's been dragging on for years, since they woke up in the loft after her father betrayed her and they 'kissed' after a bottle of wine. The surreal feeling from earlier is still here, though it's at the other end of the spectrum than it was when Dan had left the Palace that afternoon. He slips one hand to the back of her neck,

"And I love you."

Serena smiles and this one is bright and brilliant, and restraint be damned. She runs a both hands up his arms, one resting at the back of his head and the other looping around his neck as she likes to do, and she very carefully leans forward. Their breath mingles for a minute, and he can hear the reticence, the still present fear in her shaky breathing, and when their foreheads touch he whispers, "I'm really happy, to be here with you, right now."

Serena knows if they were looking at eachother in the light he'd be looking at her like no-one else has ever looked at her, and she laughs into his mouth as their lips brush against eachother.

The loft is dark and quiet, all she can hear is the fanatic thrumming of her heart in her ears as Dan leans in closer, pressing his lips against hers a little firmer. Serena runs a hand through his thick ringlets, and one hand still has a hold of her face while the other is sitting at the curve of her waist, and when he moves further against her and his tongue slips into her mouth she makes a soft, appreciate little noise.

God, she _missed_ him.

The tiny sound undoes him a little, and the hand on her waist slips to the small of her back to brush the exposed flesh beneath the hem of her top. The surrealism of his life had evaporated the moment her lips touched his. This is as real as it gets.

Dan runs the hand from her face down the supple skin of her arm, but when it's icy against his palm he hesitates, pulling away enough to talk. Barely.

They've spent years apart; he's going to stay as close as is physically possible for a while.

"You're freezing," He says, moving his hands to her arms. Serena's breathing is heavy, and she honestly hasn't noticed, but when his warm palms rub against her skin she shivers.

"Yeah, I ran out of the Palace pretty quick."

Dan nods, and he looks at the electronic display on the oven behind her head, "It's three am, what the hell made you come here at three am?"

Serena shrugs, looking a little sheepish, "I listened to your message…" She stifles a yawn, realising she's been awake for nearly twenty-one hours.

Dan watches her nose scrunch in yawn, and he chuckles as he pulls the throw rug from beneath himself and tosses it over her. Serena smiles as he fusses with it, making sure her legs are covered, and once he's done they stare at eachother, a little awkward again. The charged mood from a minute ago has sobered, and Dan clears his throat,

"I'll, uh, you can stay here, on the couch. Or the bed, I'll stay on the couch." Serena watches him scratch the back of his head in nervousness, and when he notices her amused face, he frowns, "What?"

Serena says nothing, simply leans forward, pushes on his chest till he's lying back on the couch and follows his body with her own. Dan grins as she snuggles her head into his shoulder, the throw covering them both, and he secures his hands around her waist. As she breathes against his skin and his breath tickles her ear, she follows his arm with a hand and intertwines their fingers, and all she can think is she made a choice.

She made it right.

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><p><strong>AN: This isn't the end, but gosh it'd make a nice ending wouldn't it? Thanks to my Chiara girl for all her encouragement and to all my loyal reviewers, you keep me going. Please leave your thoughts and comments if you have a moment :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Okay, sorry for the lateness. Now, for those who liked this fic for its drama and angst, thankyou so so much for reading, but you can easily consider the last chapter the end. The next couple of chapters are some steamy-ish Derena fluff, because I think an angsty fic should have a payout beyond 'they got back together, the end'.**

**Also, the sexual stuff in this chapter is ENTIRELY foreign to me. I've never written it and honestly feel a little nervous about posting it, but I read it, so I might as well contribute and write it :p**

**As always, thankyou to my reviewers and to Chiara, forward any complaints to her :D**

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><p>Serena's always been a heavier sleeper than Dan, and it doesn't take long for her exhalations against his neck and shoulder to even out. His eyes feel heavy, but he can't stop gazing drowsily at the top of her head, golden hair glowing softly in the moonlight, and Dan has to consciously focus on the feel of her fingers in his and the gentle curves of her body pressed against his side to believe she's here, to believe <em>he's <em>here. Eventually he drifts off, the strawberry of her hair and gentle rise and fall of her chest beneath his arm lulling him into sleep.

A sudden rush of cold air against the warm surfaces where Serena's skin had been pressed against his own rouses him, but it's the soft thud that wakes him. Dan sits up on his side, looking over the edge of the couch to see Serena pushing herself up on the floor, sleepy eyes half closed in a frown.

"Oww…." She brushes the blonde hair that has fallen loose from her ponytail out of her face. The floorboards of the loft are hard and cold, and she managed to land on her hip and elbow, both of which are aching in protest. Serena rubs her eyes, it's still dark so they couldn't have slept for long. The throw rug that is tangled around her feet (which are still clad in ugg boots) and caught under Dan's legs comes free and drops to the floor as he sits up.

"Are you okay?" He asks, brown eyes too wide and awake for such an offensive time of the morning. As cute as she looks, legs curled under herself, brow furrowed and lips slightly parted in surprise, he reaches out and strokes her forearm.

Serena makes a grumbling little noise, shaking her head childishly. She's fine, they both know that, but she's not happy with being woken up under the best of circumstances, let alone by an impromptu drop from the couch. Dan laughs in a voice gravelly from sleep, wrapping his fingers around her arm and gently tugging her towards him; Serena jerkily complies until she's standing in front of him, rubbing her hip with her eyes shut.

"….back t' sleep." She mumbles. Dan glances over at the clock, realising they've only been asleep for an hour and a half, and rubs small circles on her arm. He's still sitting in front of her and she's not awake enough to be steady on her feet so she lays a hand on his shoulder to keep her balance while Dan smiles crookedly at her,

"Yeah, maybe not on the couch, it's not really built for two."

Serena nods, frees her hand from his grip and stifles a little yawn, her nose wrinkling delicately, "If you say so…"

This night is a bubble for them, Dan knows this. Tomorrow when they wake up it'll be a little awkward and unsure and she'll be as scared as she was when she walked in the door, but right now standing in front of him sleepy and dishevelled, Serena is so fucking perfect it feels like a ninth grade party all over again.

Dan's quiet, and goosebumps are prickling her skin so she opens her eyes a little; the look on his face is one she's seen before.

_I'm really happy to be here with you, right now._

_I wasn't wrong to believe in you, I always will._

_Are we really gonna do this?_

Serena smiles softly at him, whispering as his warm brown eyes wander over her face, "What?"

Dan gives her his trademark sideways little smile, keeping his eyes on hers, "It's just….I haven't seen you in such a long time, not…" He sighs, placing a hand on her hip as he thinks over his words, "I haven't _seen_ you. Not for a long time." Serena understands the deeper meaning to his words, but she says nothing. She's wants to offer him comfort, but it's hard to when he's right.

"I almost forgot how beautiful you are."

Serena feels a blush creeping up her face and she's glad it's dark. She's twenty three, too old to be going red over a boy, but Dan's never played by the rules. She may be stuck for words but actions have always come easy to her, and the arm she has braced against his shoulder curls around his neck as she hugs him to her chest.

Dan feels her arms about the back of his neck and wraps his own around her waist, her forehead dropping onto the top of his head. She sways a little in his grasp and he realises she's still only slept for an hour and a half. Running his hands up Serena's back Dan stands in her grasp, pushing her hair back from her ducked face, "You want to go to bed?"

She nods, burying her face in his shoulder. Dan keeps one arm across her shoulders and bends down quickly to scoop a hand behind her knees and pick her up.

Serena actually squeaks in surprise but tightens her grip around his neck. She's dressed in ugg boots and he's wearing the same shirt he was when he came to see her (was that really only yesterday?) but regardless it reminds her of the night after Cotillion and she lays a feathery kiss to his shoulder.

Lips tickle his shoulder and Dan presses the side of his head to hers as he slowly navigates the loft, thanking God the door to his room is open. He could put her down but the male and possessive side of him resists the idea of letting her go; instead, he sits on the bed with Serena in his lap and swings his legs onto the bed, his back against the pillows. Dan gently tugs the boots from her feet and once he's tossed them over the side Serena tucks her legs closer, over his body. The bed is unmade-he's starting to appreciate how much he's let his domestic duties slide- and while he pulls the doona over them Serena slides off him a little and snuggles back into his side. Dan laughs, stroking the thigh that's thrown across him, "Better?"

Serena giggles drowsily and he feels the vibration, "Better than the floor."

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><p>Morning sunshine has always given Dan's room in the loft a slightly orange glow, and the hue it casts across the room makes Serena smile into the pillow as she slowly rouses. Through the night her hair has freed itself from its ponytail (it has a tendency to do that) and splays across her shoulders and face in loose curls that she pushes back as she sits up. Looking to her right she frowns at Dan's absence, but it doesn't surprise her. He's always been an early riser when compared with her. When they had first started dating Dan would lie in bed and wait for her to wake up (which he discovered wasn't as romantic when it took an hour or so) until Serena insisted it was okay for him to get up before her, much to his dubious protest.<p>

Noise is coming from the kitchen, and Serena can see movement so she stretches and pads out of the bedroom.

Dan hears the soft footfalls and turns to see his…something…wandering sleepily to a stop near the couch. A lot of things flash through his mind, the least of which is not _what are they to eachother right now?_

_Friend?_

_Girlfriend?_

_Something in between?_

He knows he's hung up on definitions, but Serena is slippery to hold onto. Dan loves her exuberant spontaneity, it's an integral part of who she is, but it leaves him just a tad too insecure for comfort. Last night was the absolute last thing he expected to happen, and truthfully he was pretty surprised when he woke up in the morning to Serena's golden hair and slightly parted lips, her weight pressing down on his chest. Her arriving late at night, kissing in nothing but moonlight, it had a surreal quality to it that made him wonder if he'd dreamt it.

Standing there in a tangle of curls and biting her bottom lip, Dan can tell she's as uncertain as he is, so he gestures at the food with one hand while rubbing the back of his head with the other.

"I made breakfast."

The coffee table in front of the couch has two plates, glasses of juice and condiments sitting upon it, and Serena isn't really sure what to say about this but it feels like they should have _so much_ to say. Things with them have always felt so…simple. Not in an emotional way, emotionally he makes her cyclonic, but logically her brain seems to work on a very linear level with Dan.

I love Dan.

Dan loves me.

All is good.

Last night had been a beautiful withdrawal from reality for them, but now cold fingers of the world and the problems it brings begin to wrap about them.

_We either sink or swim, we won't get another chance._

She hopes they're ready.

Dan carries the plate of breakfast to the table and sits carefully next to Serena, allowing a bit of space between them. He tells himself it's polite, to ensure he doesn't crowd her, but in reality he's hoping she'll close the distance and allay the rampant paranoia that something has changed in the last 5 hours. That she doesn't want him after all.

Serena watches him place the plate and sit very stiffly next to her, a measured four inches separating them. Her eyes wander over the tension in his jaw, the uneasy clasp of his hands and the less than subtle sideways glances he's trying to hide, and Serena can't help it.

She bursts into giggles.

Dan can physically feel some of the anxiety leave his body at the airy sound, and as her blue eyes crinkle in mirth he relaxes his shoulders and smiles along with her, "What?"

Serena shakes her head a little, "This is our last shot, huh? You've been in that shirt at least twenty-four hours, I face-planted onto the floor while we were sleeping and we're about to eat waffles on the only surface in this loft not covered in takeout boxes." Her tone is light and teasing, but Serena knows Dan very well, she knows he's uncertain. The slight shifting of his brown eyes from her gaze, the reticence to move closer; he's afraid she'll reject him.

_I love you, Dan Humphrey, always have always will._

Serena knows how that feels, and she doesn't want him to feel that way.

_We won't get another chance._

She simply lays a hand on his head, thumb playing with his ear and smiles, "It's perfect."

As stupid as it sounds, the thing that pops into Dan's mind at that moment is Blair. The months of galas, parties, charity events. Suits and posing and scheduling. She'd been comfortable _enough_ in the loft, but never really _comfortable,_ she'd always had this look that said she wanted something different, she wanted…more.

Serena looks at him, navy eyes warm and kind and twinkling with happiness, and he feels a flutter in his chest.

There's _nothing_ she wants more.

"Perfect, huh? This isn't even my A-game, I have a shirt in the laundry from last week and two day old Indian in the fridge."

Normally Serena would giggle some more, but there's a distinctive atmosphere between them and as she cautiously places her free hand on his knee he jumps a little and she knows he feels it too. The casual grin on Dan's face fades at her feathery touch on his leg and he feels himself react almost instantaneously.

He curses his lack of self control.

Dan watches her carefully as he places his hands on the curve of her hips and when Serena leans closer he shakes his head a little, "Is this a good idea?"

Serena hesitates but doesn't move away. On the contrary, she curls one of her legs up under herself and shuffles forward till one of her knees is thrown over his and she's dangerously close to sitting on his lap.

"Dan?" She slides the hand further up his thigh, and he frowns, takes a steadying breath and dedicates all concentration to keeping his voice steady, "Yes?"

"Shhhhhh…"

He's about to say okay when her lips swallow his answer, soft and slow as Serena takes the opportunity to sit on his knee and press one leg between his. Dan makes a startled noise at the back of his throat but slips a hand to her lower back and pulls her closer, never breaking contact as he coaxes her mouth open.

Serena smiles at the typically Dan Humphrey response to her forwardness, and as her thigh rests against him she slides her hand beneath his shirt and tickles the skin just above the button of his jeans which elicits a moan as he breaks the kiss, "Are, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, don't you want to talk about Blair and-"

The hand at his stomach presses firmly against his skin and when it slides under the waistband of his pants he promptly shuts up as Serena kisses him fiercely, other hand pushing him down by the shoulder until his back hits the couch. She's still straddling that one leg, and his brown eyes close with an expulsive breath as Serena runs a hand over him gently and giggles (in a non-four year old way).

"We have plenty of time for that, are you sure you want to talk about it nooooww?" She drags out the word as her hand applies pressure and Dan tugs at her t-shirt because it's been a long time and this girl does abysmal things to his self-restraint. As it slips over her head he pulls Serena's face to his but kisses the skin at the junction of her jaw and she sighs breathily, slipping free the buttons of his jeans and flannel shirt at the same time. It's an impressive show of dexterity but one she does with little grace, quickly settling for pushing his shirt up insistently.

Dan sits up far enough for her to yank it over his head, and once she drops it leans back on his chest with a little more weight. One hand is in the process of working his jeans off and the other is fisted in his hair supporting his head, and Serena stills and just stares at him a moment. Dan smiles softly, sweetly, his own hands stilled where one is stroking the skin of her side, slipping beneath her black and blue polka-dot bra and the other is at the back and very top of the thigh pressed between his legs (the ache of which is bordering on unbearable at this point) and when Serena looks away, a blush creeping up her face, Dan kisses her cheek gently.

"It's perfect." He whispers.

The shades of the loft are still drawn and the orange light coming through illuminates his face softly and Serena meets his gaze a moment longer before taking his bottom lip in hers and giving his jeans a firm shove.

She's waited three years for this boy. She's not going to wait a minute longer.

Dan runs his fingers under the top of her leggings and underwear, tugging at them both because he's waited three years for this girl, and if she doesn't move the leg she's insistently pushing against him this will be over faster than either of them want it to.

Serena makes a surprised little noise into his mouth as he gets impatient with trying to use his less dextrous right hand to unclasp her bra and instead slips his hand into the front and gently grasps her left breast in his hand, fingers stroking beneath her arm while his thumb brushes over the sensitive skin on the underside of her breast.

Serena manages to get his jeans free from his hips and halfway down his legs, Dan is ardently pushing her underwear and leggings free and she can feel him against her thigh when a sudden low humming has them both stop completely. Serena's hair is still tangled from sleep and she pushes it to one side, bracing herself above him.

"What was that?" She asks, chest heaving with each breath. Dan slips his hand free from her bra and reaches under himself, pulling out the offensive object. It buzzes again, and Serena feels the mood sober immediately as the caller I.D of her phone lights up.

_Incoming call: Carter._

_Fuck._

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><p><strong>Please review :)<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm not dead! I'm so sorry it's been a while, but a whole lot of other shit got in the way, then my motivation seemed to completely evaporate. This is a tiny chapter I know, but I want you all to know I'm not abandoning this or any of my other stories. Thankyou for your patience, I'll update again within the fortnight. **

**Many loves to Chris and Chiara, who have been bugging me about this since April :p**

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><p>The air in the room at the Palace feels heavy and humid, tension suspended by what Carter is expecting to hear and Serena knows she has to say. She treads softly, gazing around for her…boyfriend.<p>

_After this, can life please get simpler? _

Serena hates this part. This role she's so familiar with. She hates being the one to wound, to scar, to heartbreak; it feels like hypocrisy and given how well acquainted she is with these things, it makes her hurt for him. But she can't live her life for another's happiness (like Nate once did) and she can't live a lie (as Blair is so fond of doing); she can't live a life of regrets (as everyone on the UES has before her).

He's here, to her slight surprise. His shirt is wrinkled where it's tucked into his suit pants and his shoulders are tight with something, maybe anger, maybe sadness, maybe resentment. Probably all three. Carter's facing away from her, looking at something in one hand and clutching a scotch in the other, and Serena swallows her reticence while coming to a quiet stop across the room.

"Carter?"

Her voice has a gravelly quality reflective of the twisted combination of guilt, hesitance and regret balled up within her. He says nothing, but he tenses ever so slightly at his name, and she _hates _how familiar these situations have become.

_Hurt people hurt people._

Still no response, Serena takes a tiny step closer, "Carter, I-"

"It was never me, was it?"

His voice isn't angry, it isn't resentful or cold. It's…soft. Sad. Accepting. But that has always been his way. She's not sure what he means by it, though she has a good idea when he turns to face her, a photo in his hand.

_A gold dress and a sweeping kiss._

"All that time in L.A, it was never me. You never wanted me."

Serena shakes her head, that isn't true; but it isn't false either. His grey eyes are misted with alcohol and what looks like defeat, and she sighs, "It's not that simple."

He smirks with an edge of bitterness, looking at the picture of her and Dan, "You always think that Serena, but the truth is, it is. It always was. You just didn't want to see it."

He finishes the scotch and drops the glass on the coffee table unceremoniously, the sharp sound making her startle. Carter picks up his wallet and regards Serena silently. She bites her lip, looking at her hands in front of her and feels condemnation more than anything; she's _sorry_ this happened to him, sorry it happened to them all, but nothing she can say will make him believe it. She loves him in her own way, and the last thing she wants is for him to disappear from her life altogether. But she knows that pain. She remembers seeing Dan and Blair together, she remembers seeing the person you love with someone else. Serena won't ask Carter to stay, or to forgive her, or to listen. She won't ask him for anything.

"You won't believe me, but I swear I never wanted this to happen. I never thought this would happen."

Carter swallows very deliberately, and when he walks brusquely past her for the door she lets him go. He hesitates at the exit, turns back and tosses the photo to the ground between them, "You never do."

It's selfish, but when the door shuts behind him, Serena rubs the tears from her eyes because _she loves him, in her own way._

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><p>Darting around the loft balancing piles of food containers and empty beer bottles (because he'd rather risk dropping it all than make unnecessary trips to the bin), Dan finds himself making periodic sweeps past the couch where Serena's scent had permeated the throw rug. Just to remind his brain that she <em>was <em>there, he isn't having a psychotic break.

He hopes. Olfactory hallucinations aren't a thing, right?

Carter's phone call earlier had rapidly sobered the mood between the two of them, and they had sat awkwardly on the couch staring at Serena's phone still half undressed. At any other given moment, it would have been funny.

At that given moment, it wasn't.

Dan had waited for Serena to say something, anything, subtly trying to pull his shirt back on without breaking the weird trance she was in. A tiny line between her delicately drawn brow, worrying at the fingernails of her right hand, she's thinking about something and her stoic silence made him a little afraid to ask.

But when she kissed him gently on the cheek and softly told him she'd be back that afternoon, he melts like he's 16 all over again and the world is perfect, save for the slightest, saddest little edge to her voice and slightest, tiniest shadow of heaviness in her face.

Almost perfect.

Dan's paranoid, neurotic nature would like nothing more than to pace and brood over _why was she so miserable is she coming back to tell me she's leaving for Los Angeles what did last night mean_ but if he does that there's a disturbing likelihood he actually will have a psychotic break before Serena returns. So he busies himself cleaning, doing laundry and obsessively checking his phone for messages from Serena and/or Gossip Girl blasts.

_No. Not messages from Serena. You have more dignity than that._

When it vibrates against the bench Dan narrowly misses standing on the pile of dirty washing only to be sent sprawling across the floor by the barstool in a hasty attempt to answer his phone. He clambers to table level and unlocks his phone, and when he reads Serena's message it _really _feels like he's 16 again.

_So you'll pick me up at 8?_

Dignity be damned.


End file.
